Thursday, August 23, 2018

Relationships with Narcissistic Individuals

toxic_relationships

'Hurting you hurt me more'

The battle cry of the narcissist

When we enter into a relationship with a narcissistic individual, it is like falling through a dark tunnel in the ground, spinning around and around until we come out the other side and we no longer recognize the world that we are in.  People that were close to us may not understand us anymore and we may see them differently.

We are now in the narcissist's world 
Because the narcissist utilizes 'projection' it becomes difficult to differentiate ourselves from the them. We are in danger of merging into them.

Because most people who fall into relationships with narcissistic people tend to be of the caretaker type, the risk of losing themselves is high.

While much has been said in this forum about narcissism perhaps what has not been discussed as much is that the "target" in a narcissistic relationship often begins to act very much like the narcissist.
It's their need to destroy you, to destroy all the good things in your heart that is lacking in their's.
Perhaps not as much as they are sucking the good out of you for themselves but is that they are sucking the good out of you and spitting it out in an attempt to prove to themselves that you are no different than they are.
They want to show you it's a dark world and everybody hurts everybody. After all, it's the motto that they live by. 
The narcissist is on a never ending campaign to prove to the world and ultimately themselves that it is a dark, lonely and empty place.  And they are hell-bent on converting every non-believer.

Almost every narcissistic female I have encountered has recited this line to me,
"Hurting you, hurt me more."
This is the battle cry of the narcissist
Don't believe it for a minute.  
It's an excuse for them to commit their misdeeds.
The truth is we live in a beautiful world with mostly good souls. 
The narcissist is the exception and not the ruler. 
The narcissist worst nightmare is that they can not break you, that they are indeed alone in their ugly world. 

The reason why it is often stated you cannot beat the narcissist is because to beat them you must become like them in becoming like them they suddenly don't feel as alone anymore.. It validates their view of the world.

The most difficult part of dealing with a narcissist is that we must disregard them rather than show anger or hatred or love for that matter towards them. 
It's the only way out that keeps our sense of selves in tact.

Don't 'run like hell'. It feeds their egos.  Don't get revenge on them, it validates to them that you are no different than they are. 
Don't 'discard' them as they did to you.
'Disregard' them.  They are not important.
Just a nuisance like a mosquito. 
Put some bug repellent on and watch them 'run like hell' away.

Monday, July 23, 2018

Toxic Relationships

9 Signs you could be dating a person who has Narcissistic or Borderline Personality traits. 

By     Mark Allison LMFT


What just happened?



Make no mistake about it, the narcissist knows exactly what he/she is doing.

If you were listening closely at the beginning of the relationship, they were telling you who they were.   They said it with such frankness that you may have mistook it as self-deprecating behavior.   

It was not!

therapy_nookThey were warning you right up front 
and giving you a chance to get out before they hooked you in.   

The narcissist is a master of disguise, they have spent most of their life studying what people are attracted to and how to manufacture exactly what someone wants.   They do this because they themselves lack deep feelings and have almost no sense of self. They feel so empty inside that the only way out of their internal solitude is to temporarily latch onto someone who has feelings so they can vicariously enjoy it.   

I say temporary because the narcissist inevitably gets bored.  Once they have used up all the narcissistic supply that their host can offer, they detach themselves, taking whatever fresh blood with them and search for their next target. 

It’s an endless and insatiable thirst and it’s why they rarely will stay with any one person for the long term.  If they do stay, rest assure, they are cheating and lying right under the partner's nose.

Here are 9 signs that you may be involved with a narcissist/borderline:

1. The ‘blank stare’.   Its amazing but they will look at you as if they are looking through you…. And they are!

2. The ‘sadistic laugh’.  They will laugh at you when you are most vulnerable, usually right after they have done something to hurt you in the relationship.   If you confront them about this, they will tell you they felt ‘uncomfortable’ by your emotions, so they laughed instead.   It makes no sense, but the 'N" rarely does make any sense.

3. Projection: They will bring up their concerns that you are sleeping with someone else when that is the furtherest thing on your mind.  In reality,  they are thinking about sleeping with someone else or more likely, have already done so.

4. They lie.   Everything in their life is a lie.   The relationship you were holding onto dearly, to them, was just a fantasy.   It was mere entertainment to escape their own boredom.

5. They accuse you of having "anger issues" or "rage" when you become upset over their indiscretions and deceptions. Shape shifting the blame back onto you.

6.  Gaslighting: They gaslight whenever they are caught in a lie.   Gaslighting is a control technique to convince someone to doubt the facts and their own feelings. 

7. Stonewalling:  If they don't agree with you on a topic or decision they simply ignore it.  They will pretend you never said it.  They will give you another 'blank' stare and often just change the topic to something about themselves. 

8.  Silent Treatment:  If you should happen to catch them in a lie or reveal one of their many deceptions you will be punished with the silent treatment.   They disappear for minutes, hours or days and then reappear when they feel you are desperate enough to give up your position and accept the abuse as your fault. 

9.  Boredom:  Narcissistic people often are bored.   Because they are incapable of deeper authentic feelings and lack the desire or ability to care for others, they need constant stimulation to feel alive.  
They will often yawn when it's your turn to speak or become distracted with other things when they are not at the center of attention. 

These are just a few of the behaviors you may experience if you are in a relationship with a person who has narcissistic or borderline traits/personality.   These are highly abusive relationships and it often takes longer for individuals to recover from them once they are free from the abusive partner.  It's important to see the "warning signs" before you are fully invested into the relationship with someone like this.

 If you find that you seem to "attract" people like this into your life, you are not alone, but gaining insight into why your 'tolerance' is so high for abusive behavior will help prevent repeating this pattern over and over again in your personal and professional relationships.